T H E L I F E  and  O P I N I O N S O F T R I S T R A M  S H A N D Y, Gent. ________________________________ C H A P. I. I CALL all the powers of time and chance, which severally check us in our careers in this world, to bear me witness, that I could never yet get fairly to my uncle Toby's amours, till this very moment, that my mother's curiosity,    VOL. IX        B            as [ 2 ] as she stated the affair, -- - or a different impulse in her, as my father would have it   -- wished her to take a peep at them through the key-hole.   ``Call it, my dear, by its right name, quoth my father, and look through the key-hole as long as you will.''   Nothing but the fermentation of that little subacid humour which I have often spoken of, in my father's habit, could have vented such an insinuation   -- he was however frank and generous in his nature, and at all times open to convic- tion ; so that he had scarce got to the last word of this ungracious retort, when his conscience smote him.                           My [ 3 ]   My mother was then conjugally swinging with her left arm twisted under his right, in such wise that the inside of her hand rested upon the back of his -- she raised her fingers, and let them fall -- it could scarce be called a tap ; or if it was a tap   -- 'twould have puzzled a casuist to say whether 'twas a tap of re- monstrance, or a tap of confession : my father, who was all sensibilities from head to foot, classed it right -- Conscience re- doubled her blow -- he turned his face suddenly the other way, and my mother supposing his body was about to turn with it in order to move homewards, by a cross movement of her right leg, keeping her left as its centre, brought herself so far in front that as he turned              B 2.              his [ 4 ] head, he met her eye    --   Confu- sion again! he saw a thousand reasons to wipe out the reproach, and as many to reproach himself --   a thin, blue, chill, pellucid chrystal with all its humours so at rest, the least mote or speck of desire might have been seen at the bottom of it, had it existed --   it did not  -      how I happen to be so lewd myself, particularly a little before the vernal and autumnal equinoxes --   heaven above knows  --   My mother  --   madam   --  was so at no time, either by nature, by institution, or example.   A temperate current of blood ran or- derly through her veins in all months of the year, and in all critical moments both                           of [ 5 ] of the day and night alike ; nor did she superinduce the least heat into her hu- mours from the manual effervescencies of devotional tracts, which having little or no meaning in them, nature is oft times obliged to find one  --  And as for my father's example! 'twas so far from being either aiding or abetting thereunto, that 'twas the whole business of his life to keep all fancies of that kind out of her head   --  Nature had done her part, to have spared him this trouble ; and what was not a little inconsistent, my father knew it   --   And here am I sitting, this 12th day of August, 1766, in a pur- ple jerkin and yellow pair of slippers, without either wig or cap on, a most              B 3              tragi- [ 6 ] tragicomical completion of his predic- tion ``That I should neither think, ``nor act like any other man's child, ``upon that very account.''   The mistake of my father was in attacking my mother's motive, instead of the act itself : for certainly key-holes were made for other purposes ; and considering the act as an act which interfered with a true proposition, and denied a key-hole to be what it was  --    it became a violation of na- ture ; and was so far, you see, cri- minal.   It is for this reason, an' please your Reverences, That key-holes are                           the [ 7 ] the occasions of more sin and wicked- ness than all other holes in this world put together.     -- which leads me to my uncle Toby's amours.              B 4              CHAP.