cutting kind of a slashing way
with him in his disputations, thrusting
and ripping, and giving everyone a
stroke to remember him by in his turn --
that if there were twenty people in com-
pany -- in less than half an hour he was
sure to have every one of 'em against him.
What did not a little contribute to leave
him thus without an ally, was that if
there was any one post more untenable
than the rest, he would be sure to throw
himself into it ; and to do him justice,
when he was once there, he would defend
it
it so gallantly, that 'twould have been a
concern, either to a brave man, or a
good-natured one, to have seen him
driven out.
Yorick, for this reason, though he
would often attack him -- yet could never
bear to do it with all his force.
Dr. Slop's VIRGINITY, in the close
of the last chapter, had got him for
once on the right side of the rampart ;
and he was beginning to blow up all the
convents in Christendom about Slop's
ears, when corporal Trim came into the
parlour to inform my uncle Toby, that
his thin scarlet breeches, in which the
attack was to be made upon Mrs. Wad-
man, would not do ; for that the tay-
lor, in ripping them up, in order to turn
them, had found they had been turn'd
before
before -- Then turn them again, bro-
ther, said my father rapidly, for there
will be many a turning of 'em yet be-
fore all's done in the affair -- They are
as rotten as dirt, said the corporal --
Then by all means, said my father, be-
speak a new pair, brother -- for though
I know, continued my father, turning
himself to the company, that widow
Wadman has been deeply in love with
my brother Toby for many years, and
has used every art and circumvention of
woman to outwit him into the same
passion, yet now that she has caught
him -- her fever will be pass'd its
height --
-- She has gain'd her point.
In this case, continued my father,
which Plato, I am persuaded, never
thought
thought of -- Love, you see, is not so
much a SENTIMENT as a SITUATION,
into which a man enters, as my brother
Toby would do, into a corps -- no
matter whether he loves the service or
no -- being once in it -- he acts as if he
did ; and takes every step to shew him-
self a man of prowess.
The hypothesis, like the rest of my
father's, was plausible enough, and my
uncle Toby had but a single word to ob-
ject to it -- in which Trim stood ready to
second him -- but my father had not
drawn his conclusion --
For this reason, continued my father
(stating the case over again) notwith-
standing all the world knows that Mrs.
Wadman
Wadman affects my brother Toby -- and
my brother Toby contrariwise affects
Mrs. Wadman, and no obstacle in nature
to forbid the music striking up this very
night, yet will I answer for it, that this
self-same tune will not be play'd this
twelvemonth.
We have taken our measures badly,
quoth my uncle Toby, looking up in-
terrogatively in Trim's face.
I would lay my Montero cap, said
Trim -- Now Trim's Montero-cap, as
I once told you, was his constant wager ;
and having furbish'd it up that very
night, in order to go upon the attack --
it made the odds look more considerable
-- I would lay, an' please your ho-
nour, my Montero-cap to a shilling --
VOL. VIII L was
was it proper, continued Trim (making
a bow), to offer a wager before your ho-
nours --
-- There is nothing improper in it,
said my father -- 'tis a mode of expres-
sion ; for in saying thou would'st lay thy
Montero-cap to a shilling -- all thou mean-
est is this -- that thou believest --
-- Now, What do'st thou believe?
That Widow Wadman, an' please your
worship, cannot hold it out ten days --
And whence, cried Slop, jeeringly, hast
thou all this knowledge of woman, friend?
By falling in love with a popish cler-
gy-woman, said Trim.
'Twas a Beguine, said my uncle Toby.
Doctor
Doctor Slop was too much in wrath
to listen to the distinction ; and my fa-
ther taking that very crisis to fall in hel-
ter-skelter upon the whole order of Nuns
and Beguines, a set of silly, fusty bag-
gages -- Slop could not stand it --
and my uncle Toby having some mea-
sures to take about his breeches -- and
Yorick about his fourth general division
-- in order for their several attacks next
day -- the company broke up : and my
father being left alone, and having half
an hour upon his hands betwixt that and
bed-time ; he called for pen, ink, and
paper, and wrote my uncle Toby the fol-
lowing letter of instructions.
L 2 My
My dear brother Toby,
WHAT I am going to say to
thee, is upon the nature of wo-
men, and of love-making to them ;
and perhaps it is as well for thee -- tho'
not so well for me -- that thou hast occa-
sion for a letter of instructions upon that
head, and that I am able to write it to
thee.
Had it been the good pleasure of him
who disposes of our lots -- and thou no
sufferer by the knowledge, I had been
well content that thou shouldst have
dipp'd the pen this moment into the ink,
instead of myself ; but that not being the
case -- -- Mrs. Shandy being now
close besides me, preparing for bed --
I have
I have thrown together without order,
and just as they have come into my mind,
such hints and documents as I deem may
be of use to thee ; intending, in this, to
give thee a token of my love ; not
doubting, my dear Toby, of the manner
in which it will be accepted.
In the first place, with regard to all
which concerns religion in the affair --
though I perceive from a glow in my
cheek, that I blush as I begin to speak
to thee upon the subject, as well know-
ing, notwithstanding thy unaffected se-
crecy, how few of its offices thou neglect-
est -- yet I would remind thee of one
(during the continuance of thy courtship)
in a particular manner, which I would
not have omitted ; and that is, never to
go forth upon the enterprize, whether it
be in the morning or the afternoon, with-
L 3 out
out first recommending thyself to the
protection of Almighty God that he
may defend thee from the evil one.
Shave the whole top of thy crown clean,
once at least every four or five days, but
oftener if convenient ; lest in taking off
thy wig before her, thro' absence of mind,
she should be able to discover how much
has been cut away by Time -- how
much by Trim.
-- 'Twere better to keep ideas of bald-
ness out of her fancy.
Always carry it in thy mind, and act
upon it, as a sure maxim, Toby --
``That women are timid :'' And 'tis
well they are -- else there would be no
dealing with them.
Let
Let not thy breeches be too tight, or
hang too loose about thy thighs, like the
trunk-hose of our ancestors.
-- A just medium prevents all con-
clusions.
Whatever thou hast to say, be it more
or less, forget not to utter it in a low soft
tone of voice. Silence, and whatever
approaches it, weaves dreams of mid-
night secrecy into the brain : For this
cause, if thou canst help it, never throw
down the tongs and poker.
Avoid all hinds of pleasantry and face-
tiousness in thy discourse with her, and
do whatever lies in thy power, at the same
time, to keep from her all books and
writings which tend thereto : there are
some devotional tracts, which if thou
canst
canst entice her to read over -- it will be
well : but suffer her not to look into Ra-
belais, or Scarron, or Don Quixote --
-- They are all books which excite
laughter ; and thou knowest, dear Toby,
that there is no passion so serious, as lust.
Stick a pin in the bosom of thy shirt,
before thou enterest her parlour.
And if thou art permitted to sit upon the
same sopha with her, and she gives thee
occasion to lay thy hand upon hers -- be-
ware of taking it -- thou canst not lay
thy hand on hers but she will feel the
temper of thine. Leave that and as
many other things as thou canst, quite
undetermined ; by so doing, thou will
have her curiosity on thy side ; and if she
is not conquer'd by that, and thy ASSE
continues
continues still kicking, which there is
great reason to suppose -- Thou must
begin with first losing a few ounces of
blood below the ears, according to the
practice of the ancient Scythians, who
cured the most intemperate fits of the
appetite by that means.
Avicenna, after this, is for having the
part anointed with the syrrup of helle-
bore, using proper evacuations and
purges -- and I believe rightly. But
thou must eat little or no goat's flesh,
nor red deer -- nor even foal's flesh by
any means ; and carefully abstain --
that is, as much as thou canst, from pea-
cocks, cranes, coots, didappers, and
water-hens, --
As for thy drink -- I need not tell
thee, it must be the infusion of VERVAIN,
and the herb HANEA, of which Ælian
8 relates
relates such effects -- but if thy stomach
palls with it -- discontinue it from time to
time, taking cucumbers, melons, purs-
lane, water-lilies, woodbine, and lettice,
in the stead of them.
There is nothing further for thee,
which occurs to me at present --
-- Unless the breaking out of a fresh
war -- So wishing everything, dear
Toby, for the best,
I rest thy affectionate brother,
WALTER SHANDY.
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